Past Parenting 

Past Parenting - An inspiration, or a Warning?

August 13th 2023

Without understanding this first foundation of parenting, you may well find yourself carrying old family history through into your parenting style whether that’s a positive or negative but sub-consciously this can affect you, and your children's relationships for generations to come.

Here is where you get to stop the cycle, and make a difference! 

You can make a conscious decision as to how you want to bring up your children and bring about positive change TO BE THE INSPIRATION YOU WANT TO BE TO YOUR LOVED ONES 

My biggest inspiration in my parenting, was my mum, but not for the reasons you might think... 

Imagine a little girl, an only child, whose Nan took legal custody of her due to a form of neglect from her Mum, who was unable to care for her due to a reliance on alcohol. It had a huge impact on the whole family, Nan had the grouling task of collecting evidence of neglect, and forming a case to present to the courts, damaged family relationships, and resentment. Over the years the mother and daughter built a relationship through visits as she grew up, teenage years were difficult as she learn’t about alcoholism, and it’s effects, and living with the feelings that her Mum was not there for her as she grew up, especially when she visited, and drinking was not hidden, and a very big part of her lifestyle. Her Nan, on the other hand gave her all the love, and care, she could possibly ask for. As she grew older, she would write to her Mum, pleading with her to stop, and when she had her own first baby, pleading again, with the motivation of seeing her new granddaughter grow up when doctors had already advised her that if she didn’t stop, she would die. Inevitibly, as a young adult, she spent months visiting her Mum in hospital, as the final effects of alcohol took it’s toll on her organs, and stayed by her bedside in the last moments of life at the age of just 58. 

As you can imagine that cuts a long story short, but I made a vow, a promise, that I would always be there for my children, that they would know they could count on me. 

We often look to our parents either as an example or we strive to do things differently. They can either be an inspiration, or a warning. 

So in my case, my Mum was a warning, and my Nan an inspiration, as she saved me, and brought me up with some amazing values, a very old fashioned up-bringing, from the next generation, but one I am proud of, and take her values on through my own parenting. My Mum, was a warning, which I have turned into an inspiration because I have turned around many negative traits into positive qualities, and I am going to show you how you can do the same. 

You have the opportunity, right now, to STOP THE CYCLE, you get to change the meaning of negative experiences, and you get to choose HOW you want to parent, WHAT styles you want to take forward, and GROW your own ways and traditions for generations in the future. 

First of all, you need to make a decision, to change, or to LET GO of any patterns that aren’t serving you and your children. Acknowledge them, and decide that you are going to make a difference. 

THEN, we’re going to build this together, by picking one or two positive and empowering parenting styles that you want to take forward, and embrace. 

Have you seen any other parents, or role models who seem to parent a certain way? 

What is this? 

What are the kind of qualities or values, you would love to take on? 

What sort of parent would you LOVE to be? 

NOW you are going to take action.  Our activity is to acknowledge which traits you want to let go of, and identify the positive to take forward. So for now, I want you to write down, at least one trait you are going to let go of, and at least TWO empowering qualities you are going to take forward. 

This is an ongoing activity, so for the next week or so, I want you to hone in on this mini-task we are doing now, and write down the traits you are going to let go of.  You need to physically cross through them to symbolize they no longer serve you, and then write down as many empowering parenting qualities you want to take forward as you bring up your children. Write a list. To extend this, you can pick the 3 most important qualities you feel it takes to be that Mum you want to be, and write them out on a little card, and pop it in your purse for the moments you need reminding of it. 

My wish for you is that you can see how to take control of your parenting style, and as you complete more of this task build on positive change.